her heart

her heart is all i want
until I start thinking about…

her mind
goes where her heart goes
agile and intelligent
intellectual and mysterious
a pleasure to be with
an adventure in itself

her face
beautiful and infinitely expressive
a world of imagination in every look
I imagine spending hours caressing
her cheek

her eyes
hiding and revealing in each smoky glance
to be lost in them
is to be found

those luscious lips
erotic to kiss
sensitive to body, mind and soul
a gateway to worlds unknown
quick with a quip
subtle and supple

her neck
draws my interest
I would kiss it constantly
to the peril
of neglecting all else

hands
strong
gentle
softly holding my soul

her eyes shoot sparks into
the universe
with those hands
she pulls endless stars
from oblivion
building mountains of light
beckoning me
entrancing mind
enthralling my soul

everything else
is pure imagination
and supposition
a known and unknown
quantity
of pleasure
of love
of lust
of promise

— glb

I crave

I crave new space,
the ability to unpack
my head,
my heart,
my soul,
into a place
no one has
ever lived

I crave a place
without memories

I crave
boxes full of me
piled in the
middle of the room,
my life’s story
pouring out
to meet
someplace original

I crave
my own noise
my own solitude
my own company
my own first times

— glb

a kiss on the cheek

hold me now and please
don’t let me go,
i’ve come a long way
this day and all
i want is sleep

but, your eyes are bright
and inquisitive
so i will stay up,
we can talk for a while

put you hand in mine
feel it tremble with our
fingers entwined

i am not as i once was
i am not as expected,
i am as i fully am,
there’s nothing to
hide from you,
i couldn’t do it
if i tried

i have had days
confusing days
that i barely emerged from

i mean to tell you
about them,
explain them to you
from my perspective

my hope is that
in telling you my tale,
you will know something
more about me

if i am successful
you will know where
i come from,
the fires that made me,
and the demons that
still haunt me

give me a kiss
on my cheek
when you are ready
to begin

— glb

leaving #2

leaving the situation, I do blame you for the inability
you showed for giving me any support when I needed
it the most, I was in the hospital for a week and
you wouldn’t return my calls, not even after I got
out…the was one e-mail filled with platitudes and
placation and a veiled indication that you never
wanted to hear from me again, that was really
where we ended and it was you leaving me in
a situation where you could have helped me most

— GB

I Have Bipolar Disorder

To think, I used to be afraid of the Bipolar diagnosis.  I used to think “That could never be me.  Anyone with Bipolar has to be seriously messed up.”  It took some time, but once I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, it made a lot of things in my past make sense.  It also made some treatments make sense.  Since the diagnosis, I have been more level than I have been in 10 years.  So I embrace having Bipolar Disorder.  I wear it like a badge, in support of everyone out there, diagnosed or not.  My aim is to be the best example of someone that has Bipolar I can possibly be.

Erasing or Blessing

Question:  To my fellow bloggers out there, how to you keep track of your blogs so that you avoid repeating yourself… at least word for word?

I ask because I came across a couple of writing prompts that had me going back in my mind trying to figure out if I had written about them.

“What do you wish you could erase from the past?”
“In life, what has been your biggest blessing in disguise?”

Both questions have the same answer.  Psychotic Break and preceding Manic/Mixed Episodes.  I believe I have already been over why I wish I could erase it from the past, several times.

That time in my life has also been my biggest blessing.  I know it sounds impossible that someone could go through all that and actually be thankful for it.  That’s the way I look at it the majority of the time.  The thing that has been the biggest blessing is the people that I have encountered on my journey.   Nurses, doctors, lab techs, counselors, therapists, members of support groups, bloggers, readers, with few exceptions, have all been incredibly helpful, very supportive and some of the friendliest people I have ever met.  Those people alone have been some of the biggest blessings.  I’ve also found blessings in the writing/blogging I have started to do again.  It was the greatest feeling in the world to publish a blog entry and have someone out there respond.  The support I get from the blogging community is a giant blessing.  There’s one last blessing I have to mention and that’s my family.  Having gone through the things I have and relying on them for the greatest support people can give each-other.  I have found honesty like I’ve never had before and those truths have made me more in touch with myself than I have ever been.  So, it is possible for something to have good and bad consequences all at the same time.  I guess I have known it for a while.  Putting it out there makes it real.  That feels pretty good.

Self-Sabotage?

There has been some talk, stopping short of conversation, about the wisdom in writing “Going Sideways” and putting my story out for anyone to read. It mostly centered around the scrutiny I would receive.

Will it taint future endeavors?

Would someone out there be able to use it against me?

Won’t some employer take it as a negative reference and decide not to hire me or even release me from a job I’m currently performing?

The pie-in-the-sky answer to those questions should be NO. Unfortunately, that is not the world we live in. The truth is that there are millions of people out in the world who have no idea what Bipolar Disorder is or have seen enough of the media’s negative portrayal of it to be scared and unwilling to take any kind of chance.

So, the concern I’ve heard batted about is whether or not I’m sabotaging myself. Am I putting myself at a disadvantage before I even get the chance to do whatever?

Maybe I am. I thought a lot about it before I started the blog. I thought about it even more before I opened it up to Facebook, Google+, and Twitter. I thought about whether or not I wanted to be censoring myself. If I didn’t want someone else doing it I certainly wasn’t going to.

My main focus in writing this blog is to talk about who I am and the experiences I have had in my life, with an emphasis on having Bipolar and the effect it has had on me and my life. There is also the hope that someone who is suffering from any kind of mental illness would read my posts, understand that they are not alone and gain something from it.

Several people have told me how proud they are, that it takes balls to do what I’m doing and to keep it up. I am thankful for everyone’s words of support and approval. It gives me the courage and the determination the write the next post.