I Am In Remission

Some time over the past two weeks, a long time friend commented on one of my posts.  I had said that I was level and have been for some. She said that she was glad that I was in remission.  Remission…  It wasn’t until this evening as I was driving  home that I really thought about this.  Is it possible for BPD to be in remission?  Now that I have been diagnosed, I know that the diagnosis is right for me.  But before that, my treatments were hit and miss.  It wasn’t until half way through ECT that I really started to see the light.  There have been a few stumbles both up and down but it feels like my psychiatrist and I have found a good combination of medications.  I haven’t had an extended bout of mania or depression for at least six months.  If that is remission then I guess I’m in it.

Here’s where I question that.  Most of the BPD blogs I follow talk about it being very unpredictable.  They say it can rear its ugly head at any point in time, whether it is well controlled or not.  Since well controlled is where I am right now, how likely am I to relapse?  More importantly, how much faith can I put on being in remission? Can I relax?  I would go on with that train of thought but I know what all the answers would be… No.  I have to remain vigilant.  I have to keep taking my medication and keep seeing my docs and therapist as scheduled.  I have to keep doing the things, like writing on this blog, that keep me level.

Largely used in the Cancer community, remission is defined as: the state of absence of disease activity in patients known to have a chronic illness that cannot be cured. Since BPD is chronic illness that has no known cure, I suppose the use of that term is appropriate for us in the BPD community as well.  But is it right for me?

I don’t want to take anything away from those out there that are battling cancer, who have been in remission and are now fighting again, or are in remission and have been there for a while.  I, myself, am a cancer survivor.  My battle had lasted 3 months when I was pronounced cancer free.  I guess you could say that I am in remission and have been for 10 years.  I guess it all depends upon the type of cancer it is/was and what the prognosis is/was.  As for me, I have a full body scan every year and every clear scan is another year in remission.

Since I am already in remission (have I said that word enough?) I guess it is OK to add another one to the pot.  As long as I understand there are actions I must take in both instances to keep myself there.  As well as certain things I have to look out for and talk to my doctors about in both circumstances.

Hi, I’m Gavin and I am in Remission.

These are the days…

These are the days you will never get back.  These are the days you will look back at and question, “What the hell was I thinking?”  These are the days you hope to forget.  These are the days you will always remember.  Why does it happen this way, when you have had both short and long term deficits?  These are the days that are electric; the events bore their way into your skull, until you have no other choice but to commit them.  These are the days that others whisper about in your company.  These are the days, oh yes.

Maybe Later

I took some cold medicine this afternoon and I slept for about four or five hours.  For the last hour or so I was hearing a song.  When I woke up, I started trying to figure out why this song? Why now?  I think it has something to do with the forgiveness issues I’ve been dealing with.  Maybe it’s the whole song, maybe it’s just the chorus.  I’m not sure yet.  Don’t mean to be so wishy-washy but it’s a subject that is very important to me.  Here’s:

“Maybe Later”
by Lowen & Navarro

It doesn’t hurt me any less
When I think “we did our best”
Cos though the wounds will heal
The scars won’t go away
I guess the truth will sink in slowly
But I don’t want to hear it right now

Maybe later I’ll believe
We were never meant to be
Maybe later we’ll say
It’s all for the better
And if I ever see you again
I just might be stronger by then
But God I don’t know when
Maybe later

All of the points I tried to make
Turned out to be my worst mistakes
Still keeping score
Even when the game was over
And I suppose someday I’ll learn
But I don’t want to do it right now

Maybe later I’ll believe
We were never meant to be
Maybe later we’ll say
It’s all for the better
And if I ever see you again
I just might be stronger by then
But God I don’t know when
Maybe later

The Hot and the Wet

The hot and the wet
Grips you as you spasm
In the corner of a
Cold dark room

It has been like this
Ever since you can recall
You pray for the convulsion
To cease its cruel grasp

When you get this way
You search for an action
That will diminish the
Energy the spasm drains

Something that will deflect
The continuous strife
You cry out for someone
Anyone to heed your calls

No one responds
You are alone in the dark
The spasm strengthens
Its grip and you start
A stifled mewling
That doesn’t even draw
The interest of the rats

— GB

My Place

There is a place where I sit
That is quiet and peaceful
And full of love

I have developed this place
Over the past years
I have built it from my own

I have lined it with compassion
From those that are close to me
And love for those same people

In doing so I have created a
Space where I can go when
Things are troubling

A nook in my life
A refuge from all  the pain
And fear

I have been working for just
This occasion

I want to share this place
With you

— GB