what i know now

what I know now
I have to love myself first
I can’t heal without it
I can’t expect it to come
only from someone else
I have to find it within myself
I have to be open and honest about
what I’m going through
I have the right to expect that
from others
It’s ok to be scared
it’s ok to be vulnerable
It’s ok to ask for help
It’s ok to stand up for myself
It’s ok to walk away if I need to
all of these are necessary
plus 101 million others

glb /// “what i know now”
originally published 03/28/2019

a glint of red

a glint of red moving across my mind,
want to chase it to see what it means,
but i don’t, my curiosity is strapped to
this rock of guilt and restraint, do you
remember what happened last time?

i am stuck in the muck that i exude,
it keeps me here, where i am safe
from things that only i can see or hear

you in your red coat stop by from time
to time, you tell me how busy your life is
without asking about mine, with the assumption
that it is an excuse for why i don’t see you
that often and that my silence is an
endorsement of how small my life is

glb /// “a glint of red”
going-sideways.com original

in the dark

when i fumble around
in the dark
my hands seek you,
my lover
my other
my constant,
no moment can go by
without some form of thanks
that you exist in my world
warm it
brighten it
make it whole,
a quiet spills over me
you are there,
pulling you toward me
the greatest part of longing
is the anticipation,
my love for you blossoms
in these moments,
my hand finds yours
inseparable in the moments
in the dark

glb /// “in the dark”
originally published 03/14/2017

so few words after such a long time

so few words after such a long time
my closest confidant
my brother in
bubble
bubble… you know the rest
road trips and roller-coasters
hot sweaty nights
dropping heavy beats
grabbing at the base of our skulls
we both wanted
and so did she
both
that did not split us
but pulled our beings tighter
we three making promises
with every good intention

time sped up
compressing our souls
torn apart and decimated

silence slowly eroded
like water over stone
after a millineum
we are scatterd
by a harsh wind,
quiet words whispered
into the hot velvet night

your words…… words
wander in
so matter-of-fact
as if you belong here
as if I had kept a space here

after-all we were inseparable

when I come to the edge
of the ravine you once
inhabited
i am disgusted by my choices,
do I fill it in
and run away
leaving that spot for
something else
or
dive headlong into
the abyss
that was created
by two complicated men
with a simple love
for one woman

glb /// “so few words after such a long time”
originally published 01/06/2016

do i want…

i don’t want to love you
“more than you will ever know” or
“beyond your wildest dreams”
i want you to dream it and wake up
and know that it is true

you see,

with you there is no other
“i don’t want”

because ever since that day
you turned to look back at me

man! do i want…

i want to be under an umbrella
at a little café in mons
and watch as the sun replaces
the shadows on your cheek

i want to listen intently
to every word you speak
as if i know i am going deaf
and i want your voice to be
the last sound i hear

i want to get embarrassed together
about something only we know
because the waitress mentioned the
deserts included baklava and cherries jubilee

i want to have a breathless flashback
every time i hear nine inch nails
and imagine you dancing naked
on the foot of the bed

with you there is no
“i don’t want”

because ever since that day
you smiled at me

damn! do i want…

i want to write an opera
about that spot at the
nape of your neck
and how i would spend the rest
of my days there if i could

i want to wake before dawn
and carry you
wrapped in a blanket
to the front porch so we can
watch the dew settle

i want to take your hand in mine
at the age of 95
and recall fondly
the woman that you were
and be thankful for the woman you are

i want to sit in the dark
experiencing that “comfortable silence”
knowing we don’t have to fill
the soundless void
just to be at ease with each other

with you there is no
“i don’t want”

because ever since that day
you became part of my life

god! do i want…

i want to learn the words
to every single one of
your favorite songs
so we can harmonize
in the shower

i want to be lost in the middle of nowhere
for days
and when they find me
i will refuse all food and drink
until i can be with you

i want to be the reason for
the sinfully sexy smirk on your face
the subject of
the remembering roll of your eyes

i don’t want to love you
“more than you will ever know” or
“beyond your wildest dreams”

i want you to dream it and wake up
and know that it is true

because with you there is no
“i don’t want”

and ever since that day
you stopped me in my tracks
i can’t help but want, and want, and want…

glb /// “do i want…”
going-sideways.com original

those words

when you take the time
when you get to slow down
when you open up
when you go back and read
those words
the turn of phrase
the combinations
that capture the magic
the longing for the stars
the sensation brought by
the sparks when we touch
when those words come alive…

glb /// “those words”
originally published 09/02/2019

it happened

it has to have happened
one time
someone believed
the story i was telling
someone picked me up
looked into my eyes
and saw that
i was still there

it has to have happened
one time
someone saw past
the gibberish
i was speaking
to an empty chair
and put their arms
around me
so i wouldn’t have to
go through it alone

it has to have happened
one time
i sat and stared
out the window
trying to convince myself
that i had
a place in this world
and someone
encouraged me
to take inventory
of my life
to look at everything
that is inside
to be proud
of who i am

it has to have happened
one time
you took a chance
on loving me
wholly
giving me
a place to rest
something to count on
the ability
to be free

it has happened
over and over again
i fall asleep
and wake up
knowing that
you are with me
holding my hand
a kiss on my cheek
smiling with me
feeling more love
than ever before

glb /// “it happened”
originally published 09/13/2017

first blush

i don’t remember the exact moment
though i can recall the feeling
when you came into my life and changed it forever
there were fireworks
distant peals of thunder
sparks flew wildly
to illuminate your beautiful face
stars fell from the sky
and twinkled in your eyes

that feeling is with me still
whenever i think of you,
especially now that
you are in my life again,
it comes straight from my soul
from where you left your mark
so many years ago

i have carried you around with me
for such a long time now
that you are a permanent
part of me
which is why we fit together
so naturally
so instinctively
so perfectly

so, that moment
all those years ago
even though that memory
is not as clear as i’d like
i still have
fireworks
thunder
sparks
and
stars
to show me the way
back to you

glb /// “first blush”
going-sideways.com original