Cast Into Oblivion

I had a really fucked up night last night, sleep and no sleep, with tossing interspersed with turning.Β  The whole time I’m locked into a dream that I’m seeing clearly while I’m asleep and distantly when I’m awake (like a dream πŸ™‚ ).Β  All the while I’m having a conversation with a girl I dated briefly in San Diego.Β  I keep repeatingΒ  β€œI’m sorry for the way I am, I never meant to be so cold”.Β  Words from this Crossfade song β€œCold”.Β  All day long I’ve been trying to get this dream out of my head.Β  It was definitely not pleasurable.Β  I liked the song pretty well before last night but now that it has taken part in a mentally draining and disturbing dream, I’m done with it.Β  I’d prefer never hearing it again.Β  Hopefully this will cast it into oblivion.

β€œCold”
by Crossfade

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I’m always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

To you I’m sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there’s just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

A Dream from Sometime in the Past Decade

Somehow I lost my left arm just below the shoulder. And then I’m walking around this shopping mall that has really narrow hallways, like the back halls of a mall only the stores open up to the hallway. Each of the stores only sells one product, like one sells softballs, one sells windshield washer fluid, one sells bottles of Ice Coffee and I’m walking around with Henry. Then I run into Kim and her daughter. The mall is closing and we walk out of the mall. I am parked all the way over on the other side, Kim says she wants to go see Chicago and afterwards she’ll drive me to my car. So Kim and her daughter and I walk into the exit door of the theater and sit down. The movie is just ending and people are walking out. We get up and move to some seats in the middle. At that point an usher comes over and tells us to leave, we start arguing with her and she leaves us alone for a few minutes. Then Kim sees a friend who is with his kids and asks him for his ticket stubs in case the usher comes back. He tells her no and leaves. Then the usher comes back with 2 others and kicks us out. We go to Kim’s car and she drives me to McDonald’s. I tell her that I have to take a shower and rebandage my missing arm. I keep telling her that I can feel the fingers on my missing hand itching. I go inside and up to the president’s office. I strip down to my underwear and get in the shower. As soon as I turn the water on roaches start coming out of the cracks in the walls and from under the tub. There’s a toilet in the middle of the shower and I stand up on it and start spraying the roaches with soap. I can see some people standing outside the bathroom in a little hallway, two women and a little boy but I don’t know who they are. They’re just standing and watching like I was a TV show. I yell for them to come help me but they don’t even look like they can hear me. The roaches keep coming out of the cracks but they are running down the drain and not getting near me. Every time I spray them with soap they come out of the crack faster. I jump from the toilet out of the tub, I land on a bunch or roaches and they squish between my toes and I slip on them and fall forward. I tried to catch myself with the arm that isn’t there and hit the stump and my head on the floor. Then I wake up.

Bipolar Dream

I don’t want to be lucky
I don’t want the big prizes
The silly balloons falling
Or even the gigantic check

Instead I want anonymity
To be overlooked
A number five on the chart
Medium in the world of EXTAR-LARGE

I would rather go about my day
Move along, β€œnothing to see here”
Feel happy, but just happy enough

I can
Pay my bills on time
Have a little left over β€œfor me”
Once a week take a cab instead of the bus

So don’t expect much
You get what you see
I’m ordinary wrapped
In a plain brown bag

I’ll just sit here on the couch
Watching re-runs of CSI
Waiting for my 11 o’clock
Bed time

There’s nothing remarkable about
The things that I do
The music I like
The books that I read
Me

— GB