Tag: Depression

if only…

Posted on by Gavin

i wage a silent internal battle
there is so much more
pulling me down on the inside
than there has ever been out there
though my exterior demons
always take the blame

when my face is screwed up
and i cannot speak
through the sobs i am
throwing at the night

when i believe everything
is coming to a
savage, bleeding end

i lie to a perfect stranger
to prove to myself
that i have some control
over something
if only for a fleeting moment

it is the same lie i tell myself
time and time and
time again
everything is going to be fine
if only…

glb /// “if only…”
going-sideways.com original

door 521

Posted on by Gavin

one flight up and through
door 521 is the first real
home where i lived
alone, my life solitary,
not lonely, full of life,
full of music and light.

a place, where i learned
things, about life, about
love, about death and
mortality, about the
nature of being human,
about human nature,
i learned about how
to be a friend, and how
to deal with betrayal,

i learned about music,
about sex, i learned
to appreciate the sound
of freedom, even in
the middle of a migraine

i learned how to write,
how to get deep down
inside and express the
deepest and the darkest

i learned how to escape
into myself, i learned what
depression really is

but most of all, wrapping
all these things and more
together i learned
what it is to be me

glb /// “door 521”
originally published 01/17/2014

revisiting the dark

Posted on by Gavin

when i am sitting cross-legged on the floor
rocking so hard to keep the light and the sound out
rocking so hard to keep the beat of my heart at bay
rocking so hard that i can’t get the bullet into the chamber
my tears have wet my fingers
my sobs wrack and shake my body over the rocking
when i am 38 seconds from my ending…

i am closer to the light than that

glb /// “revisiting the dark”
originally published 02/09/2014