a kiss on the cheek

hold me now and please
don’t let me go,
i’ve come a long way
this day and all
i want is sleep

but, your eyes are bright
and inquisitive
so i will stay up,
we can talk for a while

put you hand in mine
feel it tremble with our
fingers entwined

i am not as i once was
i am not as expected,
i am as i fully am,
there’s nothing to
hide from you,
i couldn’t do it
if i tried

i have had days
confusing days
that i barely emerged from

i mean to tell you
about them,
explain them to you
from my perspective

my hope is that
in telling you my tale,
you will know something
more about me

if i am successful
you will know where
i come from,
the fires that made me,
and the demons that
still haunt me

give me a kiss
on my cheek
when you are ready
to begin

— glb

13 days

13 days to live or die

I chose the former,
the universe…
the latter

i do not know
the ferocity
of the fight,
only that it left
unbelievable
scars

it changed me
in ways i cannot
even begin to explain

for better
for worse
i am still here

for yes
for no
i answer your call
i answer your questions

i feel my longing
in the chasm of the night
until
the opaque gray morning
filters in
revealing your empty
side of the bed

i try not to react
to your endless absence,
dressing quickly
i slip into the
misty morning

i scribble your name
into the dew on my car
continually checking
over my shoulder
hoping you’ll catch me…

– glb

it weighs on me

it weighs on me,
one million little pounds,
rake me across the coals
for seven empty minutes…

birthed again,
crashing into the world
literally less
than i was

even after all i’ve said,
and done,
i cry into the night
GIVE ME BACK!!!!

fill me in
PLEASE!!!!
make me whole,
let me stop
the constant search

put your hand on me,
trace my scars,
fill me up
with endless possibilities

shadowed potential
only reveals itself
when stumbling backwards
into my awakening

— glb

Untitled # 506

my shit chases me
sometimes
and I run so fast
trying to keep ahead
and you
and you
and you
and the cancer
and the BPD
you all keep finding ways
to catch me
to trip me up
to pull me down
when all I really want to do is
stop for a little while
and look at everything
and celebrate
where I have been
where I am
and how I got here

— GB

reason

when I got my
diagnosis
all I could think about
was you and how much
I wish you were here

to hold my hand
to walk with me along the beach
to kiss the fear away
to sit and cry for hours on end

but there was no way
those things could ever happen

there’s no way for me to tell
whether crying on that bench
was because I was just told
I had cancer or because I
wish I had done more for
you while you were here

— GB

metastasis

it metastasized to your lungs
more chemo, more radiation

it metastasized to your bones
more wasting, more weight shed

you looked sullen, you looked drawn
you looked resigned to your fate

treatments go on
seemingly without end

I imagined you were fighting
I imagined you were giving everything you had

it metastasized to your pancreas
nothings more to hang my hopes on

you gave up
I think I am starting to understand that

you metastasized to me

— GB