Things Fail

It is horrific
To have things fail
In part, or completely,
What’s worse…
Experiencing it
While it is happening
Knowing it is happening
And not being able to
Do a thing about it

But that is not all

Then comes the shame
Then comes the regret
Then comes the embarrassment
Then comes the wondering
Looking them in the face
Did you see me?
Did you catch that SLIP?

Have I been discovered?

— GLB

I don’t know

I wish I could always have an answer to the question:

Why?

It scares me through and through
Not to know the reason
For doing something one way one day
Then doing it differently another

It feels like there is a disconnect
A piece of me that doesn’t run right all the time
When the question is put forth
I fail and resort to the sad little answer

I don’t know

— GLB

It Happened

It has to have happened
One time
Someone believed
The story I was telling
Someone picked me up
Looked into my eyes
And saw that
I was still there

It has to have happened
One time
Someone saw past
The gibberish
I was speaking
To an empty chair
And put their arms
Around me
So I wouldn’t have to
Go through it alone

It has to have happened
One time
I sat and stared
Out the window
Trying to convince myself
That I had
A place in this world
And someone
Encouraged me
To take inventory
Of my life
To look at everything
That is inside
To be proud
Of who I am

It has to have happened
One time
You took a chance
On loving me
Wholly
Giving me
A place to rest
Something to count on
The ability
To be free

It has happened
Over and over again
I fall asleep
And wake up
Knowing that
You are with me
Holding my hand
A kiss on my cheek
Smiling with me
Feeling more love
Than ever before

— GLB

Erasing or Blessing

Question:  To my fellow bloggers out there, how to you keep track of your blogs so that you avoid repeating yourself… at least word for word?

I ask because I came across a couple of writing prompts that had me going back in my mind trying to figure out if I had written about them.

“What do you wish you could erase from the past?”
“In life, what has been your biggest blessing in disguise?”

Both questions have the same answer.  Psychotic Break and preceding Manic/Mixed Episodes.  I believe I have already been over why I wish I could erase it from the past, several times.

That time in my life has also been my biggest blessing.  I know it sounds impossible that someone could go through all that and actually be thankful for it.  That’s the way I look at it the majority of the time.  The thing that has been the biggest blessing is the people that I have encountered on my journey.   Nurses, doctors, lab techs, counselors, therapists, members of support groups, bloggers, readers, with few exceptions, have all been incredibly helpful, very supportive and some of the friendliest people I have ever met.  Those people alone have been some of the biggest blessings.  I’ve also found blessings in the writing/blogging I have started to do again.  It was the greatest feeling in the world to publish a blog entry and have someone out there respond.  The support I get from the blogging community is a giant blessing.  There’s one last blessing I have to mention and that’s my family.  Having gone through the things I have and relying on them for the greatest support people can give each-other.  I have found honesty like I’ve never had before and those truths have made me more in touch with myself than I have ever been.  So, it is possible for something to have good and bad consequences all at the same time.  I guess I have known it for a while.  Putting it out there makes it real.  That feels pretty good.

Blogging

Welcome to Blogging. The first rule of Blogging is: you do not talk about Blogging. The second rule of Blogging is: you DO NOT talk about Blogging! Third rule of Blogging: someone yells “stop!”, goes limp, taps out, you keep on Blogging. Fourth rule: Everybody Blogs. Fifth rule: Everybody Comments. Sixth rule: No shirts, no shoes. Seventh rule: Blogs will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule: if this is your first time Blogging, you have to Blog.