7 Minutes

Originally written 3-17-2018


There is a blank space
Not a slate to draw plans on
No foundation,
Not a place for hope or dreams
There is no starting place
No ending place, either
A middle space
Before the end
After the beginning,
I search for
The calm
A darkness
I pull back nothing,
An absence
That not even light can escape


There is an empty space
Not a window
Not a floor
There is no port of egress
Not even a door
There have been times
I passed this place
Never knowing it was here
I was headed somewhere different
With a plan in my mind
Looking for something different
Not a hint of where I would land


Spoken plainly…

There was no empty space
To go when I died
There was no tunnel
No bright white light
I did not experience anything
On this I can go no further
There is nowhere to go
For 7 minutes I was gone,
But I didn’t go anywhere


69 Times

I feel it tighter
The flow moving slower
I anticipate
The flow stopping

Nothing passes
All is possible
One encompasses

I have always been here
It feels so new
Since the first time
I hold it to my chest

Omniscient waves break
Over the bough
Everything for all
Who feel the spray

Gather round and listen
To the voice of wisdom
To the voice of treachery
To the voice of reason
They are all the same color
They are all the same
They are tighter
They are flowing slower
The flow



When the copper stops buzzing in your brain
And the sweat pours down your neck
I will be there to hold you when the spasm begins

The application of pain is the measure
Tolerance raises the bar for the next
It’s hard to tell where the victory lies
The strange attractors have done their damage

Down deep, enveloped in gloom
Cast by the only bulb in the cavernous hall
You prepare to put on your show,
Daring to expose all in attendance
As patrons of the darkest art of all

You mime kindness
Whisper intimacy
Talk of hope
Shriek out love

The cacophony deafens
Voices drawn tight
Refusing to admit
That the one thing they have in common…
Is the hardest thing
To achieve


Should I Stop Talking About Bipolar Disorder? – Her Bipolar Life

bpnurse just reminded me about a blog that I used to read all the time, but I don’t anymore.  The truth is that I got so wrapped up in WordPress blogs that I forgot all about those outside the WordPress sphere.  This one is called Her Bipolar Life and is written by Kat Dawkins.  As bpnurse describes it:

“this blog is written from the perspective of a twenty-something woman with bipolar 2, I think it offers substantial wisdom to women of all ages with the condition. Kat writes with amazing clarity of life situations that are hard enough for the average female, and almost hopelessly complicated by the existence of bipolar disorder: Work. Relationships. Social expectations. Finances. Hormones.”
A lot of the topics are also applicable to men and women.  The post that caught my attention and made me start reading the blog is called “Should I Stop Talking About Bipolar Disorder?”  I urge you to give it a read and explore the rest of the blog.  You might start going back for more.

My Big Day Out 12-17-2013

Out to the big city today 🙂  It’s not really that big but it does have a university, movie theaters, Target, Best Buy and COSTCO.  It’s also home to my psychiatrist and therapist’s office (they’re right across the hall from each other) and the psychiatric hospital I go to every Wednesday for the NAMI peer support group.  But, today isn’t Wednesday, I had a visit with my therapist and then Dad and I went to Books-A-Million and browsed through the magazines as well as the “** for Dummies” books.  I can only say that there must be a lot of dummies out there.  Those books covered subjects from “Sex for Dummies” to “Freemasons for Dummies”.  We went to COSTCO where we managed to spend less that $100 which is pretty good since it’s only a week before Christmas.  We were away from the house for about 6 hours.  Oh, I almost forgot, while we were out I lost a cap from one of my teeth.  That means there is a dental visit in my near future and I have to say, I’m not really looking forward to that.  Not to mention that I probably can’t afford it.  Anyhow, we arrived back home to find that the power had been out while we were gone and that the internet connection was down.  After about 30 minutes troubleshooting I determined that the router wasn’t working, luckily I had the old router and when I swapped it out, we were up and running in a matter of minutes.  Now I get to spend some time playing with the malfunctioning router to see if I can get it up and running again.  I am looking forward to that.  That’s the kind of thing I used to do in my previous life…my pre-psychotic episode life.  Only the routers were much bigger and more sophisticated, along with the switches and blade servers and…. well you get the point.  I’m just glad that I could get the house back up and running in a short period of time.  It was a good boost for me.  Now I’m off to read all the posts from the blogs I follow do the rest of the various blog related stuff I usually get done before 8 o’clock at night, now that it is quarter to eleven (or so).

Erasing or Blessing

Question:  To my fellow bloggers out there, how to you keep track of your blogs so that you avoid repeating yourself… at least word for word?

I ask because I came across a couple of writing prompts that had me going back in my mind trying to figure out if I had written about them.

“What do you wish you could erase from the past?”
“In life, what has been your biggest blessing in disguise?”

Both questions have the same answer.  Psychotic Break and preceding Manic/Mixed Episodes.  I believe I have already been over why I wish I could erase it from the past, several times.

That time in my life has also been my biggest blessing.  I know it sounds impossible that someone could go through all that and actually be thankful for it.  That’s the way I look at it the majority of the time.  The thing that has been the biggest blessing is the people that I have encountered on my journey.   Nurses, doctors, lab techs, counselors, therapists, members of support groups, bloggers, readers, with few exceptions, have all been incredibly helpful, very supportive and some of the friendliest people I have ever met.  Those people alone have been some of the biggest blessings.  I’ve also found blessings in the writing/blogging I have started to do again.  It was the greatest feeling in the world to publish a blog entry and have someone out there respond.  The support I get from the blogging community is a giant blessing.  There’s one last blessing I have to mention and that’s my family.  Having gone through the things I have and relying on them for the greatest support people can give each-other.  I have found honesty like I’ve never had before and those truths have made me more in touch with myself than I have ever been.  So, it is possible for something to have good and bad consequences all at the same time.  I guess I have known it for a while.  Putting it out there makes it real.  That feels pretty good.