sleepless 1 of 4

i can feel you hiding there
on the corner of the bed
with your knifelike incisors
dripping to sink yourself
into my flesh
into my night
disrupting my dreams
waiting until i’m
comfortable with the
covers and pillows
before you are ready
to do your dirty work
i can hear you there
beginning your tiny moan
at the back of my throat
that will turn into a whimper
then a sob
as you have your way with me and
i spend another few hours
tossing and turning and
ruining the rest of my day
before it even gets started

glb /// “sleepless 1”
originally published 04/04/2006

what i know now

what I know now
I have to love myself first
I can’t heal without it
I can’t expect it to come
only from someone else
I have to find it within myself
I have to be open and honest about
what I’m going through
I have the right to expect that
from others
It’s ok to be scared
it’s ok to be vulnerable
It’s ok to ask for help
It’s ok to stand up for myself
It’s ok to walk away if I need to
all of these are necessary
plus 101 million others

glb /// “what i know now”
originally published 03/28/2019

something?

that was back when we were young
back when everything was starting
nothing was ending
back when we didn’t know or really care
where we were going but we couldn’t
wait until we got there
back then, we found each other
on a steamy florida night
a night that proved to be the beginning
of something that has lasted a long time
at least it has for me…

a lot of things keep moving when you have
put your life on hold, and moving on is
the hardest part of this thing to deal with

glb /// “something?”
originally published 05/24/2014

a glint of red

a glint of red moving across my mind,
want to chase it to see what it means,
but i don’t, my curiosity is strapped to
this rock of guilt and restraint, do you
remember what happened last time?

i am stuck in the muck that i exude,
it keeps me here, where i am safe
from things that only i can see or hear

you in your red coat stop by from time
to time, you tell me how busy your life is
without asking about mine, with the assumption
that it is an excuse for why i don’t see you
that often and that my silence is an
endorsement of how small my life is

glb /// “a glint of red”
going-sideways.com original

the same way

it’s the same way
most of the time
then, not…
and i can’t find
the spots to make it
the same way again

constancy keeps me
centered,
in the moment,
ready
then it doesn’t

when it happens
everything i touch
is in question
right or wrong
caring or indifferent
this is the way
my cookie crumbles

time
time and solitude
may be the only antidote

glb /// “the same way”
going-sideways.com original

things fail

it is horrific
to have things fail
in part, or completely,
what’s worse…
experiencing it
while it is happening
knowing it is happening
and not being able to
do a thing about it

but that is not all

then comes the shame
then comes the regret
then comes the embarrassment
then comes the wondering
looking them in the face
did you see me?
did you catch that slip?

have i been discovered?

glb /// “things fail”
originally published 03/28.2018

if only…

i wage a silent internal battle
there is so much more
pulling me down on the inside
than there has ever been out there
though my exterior demons
always take the blame

when my face is screwed up
and i cannot speak
through the sobs i am
throwing at the night

when i believe everything
is coming to a
savage, bleeding end

i lie to a perfect stranger
to prove to myself
that i have some control
over something
if only for a fleeting moment

it is the same lie i tell myself
time and time and
time again
everything is going to be fine
if only…

glb /// “if only…”
going-sideways.com original

trying is tiring

trying is tiring,
hoping my broken
mind can reach out
and pull the rest of me
out of this comfortable bed

to brick up
every unfortunate thing
i can remember
taking place in my life

if i cannot see it
it never happened

i rue the day
that i learned
the past can’t be changed

i continue to wish
it wasn’t so,

trying is tiring

glb /// “trying is tiring”
originally published 06/16/2014

red mist and ether

but the thing is…

i awoke from a conversation
i was having with myself
with no idea where it started
with no idea where it was going

a harsh tone of feeling
breaks through
a coughing laugh
that came from somewhere
back and to the left

i could not see where
you had come from
i just knew
i should be there
either in your presence
or your absence

knowing you will be back
knowing i will see you soon

a jerking journey
through red mist and ether
moistens my flesh
it will be dry by morning

where i will wake with a start
throat and face bone dry
and my greatest trip
begins again
breaking up a conversation
i was having with myself

glb /// “red mist and ether”
originally published 05/11/2015