Tag: Bipolar disorder

sleepless 4 of 4

Posted on by Gavin

i hate waking up to that feeling
deep, deep in the night
the nagging, gnawing
wraith of a thought
that isn’t gone

that the nasty fucker that
i thought i was rid of
is still just hanging around
biding its time

then it will come back
with a vengeance
to finish what it started

it doesn’t happen very often
but sometimes I let
myself wander off
into the farthest
corners of my mind
i discover these little ideas
lying around

those are the things that
nightmares are really
made of

glb /// “sleepless 4”
originally published 04/06/2006

sleepless 3 of 4

Posted on by Gavin

to my bed
to my sleep
to my slumber
that eludes me

my frustration
has returned and
grows with every minute
i toss or turn or read
to hopefully bring it on

the sheep
have been corralled
and no longer make calls

i have turned
to other help
night after night after night

while the sleep
comes in fits
the rest never arrives
i wake to the
mind-splitting glare
that creeps through curtains

here’s where
my desperation
really shows through
where the chinks
in my armor
start to rust and chip away
i expose my reality to the world

glb /// “sleepless 3”
originally published 04/05/2006

sleepless 2 of 4

Posted on by Gavin

i was trying to figure out
how much promethazine
it would take to stop my pain

and i started thinking about
what happens to you when you
have the ability to save someone’s life
and you don’t

you just stand aside and
let everything run its course
as though you never existed

that later in your life
you start to believe
that because you didn’t do something
you somehow have
exempted yourself
from being part of a world
that is allowed to live
as if that was the moment
you decided whether or not
life was worth it

glb /// “sleepless 2”
originally published 04/05/2006

sleepless 1 of 4

Posted on by Gavin

i can feel you hiding there
on the corner of the bed
with your knifelike incisors
dripping to sink yourself
into my flesh
into my night
disrupting my dreams
waiting until i’m
comfortable with the
covers and pillows
before you are ready
to do your dirty work
i can hear you there
beginning your tiny moan
at the back of my throat
that will turn into a whimper
then a sob
as you have your way with me and
i spend another few hours
tossing and turning and
ruining the rest of my day
before it even gets started

glb /// “sleepless 1”
originally published 04/04/2006

what i know now

Posted on by Gavin

what I know now
I have to love myself first
I can’t heal without it
I can’t expect it to come
only from someone else
I have to find it within myself
I have to be open and honest about
what I’m going through
I have the right to expect that
from others
It’s ok to be scared
it’s ok to be vulnerable
It’s ok to ask for help
It’s ok to stand up for myself
It’s ok to walk away if I need to
all of these are necessary
plus 101 million others

glb /// “what i know now”
originally published 03/28/2019

something?

Posted on by Gavin

that was back when we were young
back when everything was starting
nothing was ending
back when we didn’t know or really care
where we were going but we couldn’t
wait until we got there
back then, we found each other
on a steamy florida night
a night that proved to be the beginning
of something that has lasted a long time
at least it has for me…

a lot of things keep moving when you have
put your life on hold, and moving on is
the hardest part of this thing to deal with

glb /// “something?”
originally published 05/24/2014

a glint of red

Posted on by Gavin

a glint of red moving across my mind,
want to chase it to see what it means,
but i don’t, my curiosity is strapped to
this rock of guilt and restraint, do you
remember what happened last time?

i am stuck in the muck that i exude,
it keeps me here, where i am safe
from things that only i can see or hear

you in your red coat stop by from time
to time, you tell me how busy your life is
without asking about mine, with the assumption
that it is an excuse for why i don’t see you
that often and that my silence is an
endorsement of how small my life is

glb /// “a glint of red”
going-sideways.com original

the same way

Posted on by Gavin

it’s the same way
most of the time
then, not…
and i can’t find
the spots to make it
the same way again

constancy keeps me
centered,
in the moment,
ready
then it doesn’t

when it happens
everything i touch
is in question
right or wrong
caring or indifferent
this is the way
my cookie crumbles

time
time and solitude
may be the only antidote

glb /// “the same way”
going-sideways.com original

things fail

Posted on by Gavin

it is horrific
to have things fail
in part, or completely,
what’s worse…
experiencing it
while it is happening
knowing it is happening
and not being able to
do a thing about it

but that is not all

then comes the shame
then comes the regret
then comes the embarrassment
then comes the wondering
looking them in the face
did you see me?
did you catch that slip?

have i been discovered?

glb /// “things fail”
originally published 03/28.2018

if only…

Posted on by Gavin

i wage a silent internal battle
there is so much more
pulling me down on the inside
than there has ever been out there
though my exterior demons
always take the blame

when my face is screwed up
and i cannot speak
through the sobs i am
throwing at the night

when i believe everything
is coming to a
savage, bleeding end

i lie to a perfect stranger
to prove to myself
that i have some control
over something
if only for a fleeting moment

it is the same lie i tell myself
time and time and
time again
everything is going to be fine
if only…

glb /// “if only…”
going-sideways.com original