Tag: Bipolar disorder

ghosts of memories

Posted on by Gavin

ghosts of memories
creep into my brain
disrupting turning
wheels, inviting
other wraiths of
remembrance
to invade my
consciousness,
going nowhere
against my walls
too high to scale
too thick to breach
not a crack to slither
through
 
ghost of memories
challenge my mind
asking of their
existence, shall
they remain ghosts
or may the become
reality, affecting
more minds than mine
 
memories of ghosts
that used to haunt
my mind, come
crashing in on me
for another time around,
serving as a reminder
of things that went before
 
ghosts and memories
co-mingle, obscuring
all that is and used to be,
questions sought,
inquiries unanswered,
from the fog,
neither wrong, nor right
 
my mind welcomes the
blank night, quiet now
answering none,
the ghosts and memories
satisfied that their work
is done, and done well,
there are no more
queries this night
 
glb /// “ghosts of memories”

the string

Posted on by Gavin

the string around my little finger
reminds me that it is possible to fix me
reminds me that i should not try to fix you

i tie it every night before i go to sleep
every morning, it is gone

i can’t find a trace of you
except in the pinkish, purplish
imprint where the string should be

glb /// “the string”

lightning

Posted on by Gavin

lightning peels back
my already shattered sky
i am still jolted
not ready for the crack
although i see it break
i tried to embrace it
become one with it
if it would not become
one with me

out in the middle
of a field turning
around and around
making myself the
tallest thing for miles
making myself as
much of a target
as i can hope to be

i anticipate the blast
i am braced for the shock
of heartache, of melancholy,
of grief at your inability to
love me enough that i
must go diving into
driving thunderheads
just to find what i imagine
what my own life is
supposed to feel like

glb /// “lightning”
originally published 12/13/2015

this night

Posted on by Gavin

i have spent this night,
some hours worth,
touching old words
brought new through
the passage of time,
hoping they will be met
as golden gifts
meant to move the mind
and the heart

i have spent this night,
mourning to the point
of exhaustion,
communing with buried
souls, since removed
from my reach,
longing for a soft touch

i have spent this night,
falling in love with the dark,
sobs turned to laughter,
echoing through my
vacancy

i have spent this night,
practicing smiling into the mirror,
wincing at the horrible countenance
staring back at me

glb /// “this night”
originally published 05/26/2019

doomed to repeat it

Posted on by Gavin

i reach out to the light and the dark of you
prepared for any combination
you bring me flowers and dirt
screaming and whispering your devotion to me
i lap at the compliments
drawing strength from anything you care to leave
bones and seeds
from your past planting the future
words cry out i will end you so you can start anew
in the corner i lay spent as the light from the dawn creeps in
finding a beaten pulp eager for the switch again
it brings feeling where it has not been for endless time
i sway to your calling hoping you will raise your hand to me
and bring me home with you, where i truly belong

glb /// “doomed to repeat it”
originally published 09/09/2018

i am not broken

Posted on by Gavin

i am not broken…
but i was
and…
i was for a long time
and…
i grieve for all that time
wasted…
in pursuit of nothing
and
everything i was not prepared for,
everything i was not capable of achieving,
instead of fixing myself
i lied to myself
insisting i was whole…

it took a catastrophic event,
which i still don’t understand,
to bring fundamental change
to bring a healing wave,
where i found new things,
true things,
ways of being…

i am not broken…
but i was
and…
because
i have found a new way of living
i have found a new way of relating to the world
i have refused to go back there

glb /// “i am not broken”
originally published 03/16/2018