lightning

lightning peels back
my already shattered sky
i am still jolted
not ready for the crack
although i see it break
i tried to embrace it
become one with it
if it would not become
one with me

out in the middle
of a field turning
around and around
making myself the
tallest thing for miles
making myself as
much of a target
as i can hope to be

i anticipate the blast
i am braced for the shock
of heartache, of melancholy,
of grief at your inability to
love me enough that i
must go diving into
driving thunderheads
just to find what i imagine
what my own life is
supposed to feel like

glb /// “lightning”
originally published 12/13/2015

this night

i have spent this night,
some hours worth,
touching old words
brought new through
the passage of time,
hoping they will be met
as golden gifts
meant to move the mind
and the heart

i have spent this night,
mourning to the point
of exhaustion,
communing with buried
souls, since removed
from my reach,
longing for a soft touch

i have spent this night,
falling in love with the dark,
sobs turned to laughter,
echoing through my
vacancy

i have spent this night,
practicing smiling into the mirror,
wincing at the horrible countenance
staring back at me

glb /// “this night”
originally published 05/26/2019

doomed to repeat it

i reach out to the light and the dark of you
prepared for any combination
you bring me flowers and dirt
screaming and whispering your devotion to me
i lap at the compliments
drawing strength from anything you care to leave
bones and seeds
from your past planting the future
words cry out i will end you so you can start anew
in the corner i lay spent as the light from the dawn creeps in
finding a beaten pulp eager for the switch again
it brings feeling where it has not been for endless time
i sway to your calling hoping you will raise your hand to me
and bring me home with you, where i truly belong

glb /// “doomed to repeat it”
originally published 09/09/2018

i am not broken

i am not broken…
but i was
and…
i was for a long time
and…
i grieve for all that time
wasted…
in pursuit of nothing
and
everything i was not prepared for,
everything i was not capable of achieving,
instead of fixing myself
i lied to myself
insisting i was whole…

it took a catastrophic event,
which i still don’t understand,
to bring fundamental change
to bring a healing wave,
where i found new things,
true things,
ways of being…

i am not broken…
but i was
and…
because
i have found a new way of living
i have found a new way of relating to the world
i have refused to go back there

glb /// “i am not broken”
originally published 03/16/2018

catch on to

i want to reach out and catch on to something
red, black, green, blue… anything
that is going by
pulling me with it,
on to places
unknown
full of wonder
birds and lights
music and bright motorcycles
driving headlong into the night
filled with stars and the scent of moon flowers
all disappearing at the sign of first light
returning me to my perch when i will continue
my search for something to catch on to

glb /// “catch on to”
originally published 02/24/2014

sleepless 4 of 4

i hate waking up to that feeling
deep, deep in the night
the nagging, gnawing
wraith of a thought
that isn’t gone

that the nasty fucker that
i thought i was rid of
is still just hanging around
biding its time

then it will come back
with a vengeance
to finish what it started

it doesn’t happen very often
but sometimes I let
myself wander off
into the farthest
corners of my mind
i discover these little ideas
lying around

those are the things that
nightmares are really
made of

glb /// “sleepless 4”
originally published 04/06/2006

sleepless 3 of 4

to my bed
to my sleep
to my slumber
that eludes me

my frustration
has returned and
grows with every minute
i toss or turn or read
to hopefully bring it on

the sheep
have been corralled
and no longer make calls

i have turned
to other help
night after night after night

while the sleep
comes in fits
the rest never arrives
i wake to the
mind-splitting glare
that creeps through curtains

here’s where
my desperation
really shows through
where the chinks
in my armor
start to rust and chip away
i expose my reality to the world

glb /// “sleepless 3”
originally published 04/05/2006

sleepless 2 of 4

i was trying to figure out
how much promethazine
it would take to stop my pain

and i started thinking about
what happens to you when you
have the ability to save someone’s life
and you don’t

you just stand aside and
let everything run its course
as though you never existed

that later in your life
you start to believe
that because you didn’t do something
you somehow have
exempted yourself
from being part of a world
that is allowed to live
as if that was the moment
you decided whether or not
life was worth it

glb /// “sleepless 2”
originally published 04/05/2006

sleepless 1 of 4

i can feel you hiding there
on the corner of the bed
with your knifelike incisors
dripping to sink yourself
into my flesh
into my night
disrupting my dreams
waiting until i’m
comfortable with the
covers and pillows
before you are ready
to do your dirty work
i can hear you there
beginning your tiny moan
at the back of my throat
that will turn into a whimper
then a sob
as you have your way with me and
i spend another few hours
tossing and turning and
ruining the rest of my day
before it even gets started

glb /// “sleepless 1”
originally published 04/04/2006