that time

an ostrich, with my head in the sand
terrified and shaking
“what if they find out…”
“what if anyone finds out…”
it’s not as if i hadn’t made it known
at least a few times,
it’s not as if i made it
a great big secret,
anyone can look if they want to,
anyone can poison
the waters against me

laid open and exposed
i suffer tiny deaths
any time i encounter someone
for the first time,
“what do they know?”
“how do they know?”
“can they just see it in me?”

i am terrified to turn that corner,
pull out that chair, open that door
“is this going to be that time?”
i don’t want to find myself
cowering in the corner
sobbing uncontrollably
because this one little “secret”
has been used against me

— glb

when i want to quit

when i want to quit
i sit
i imagine
taking your face in my hands
and staring into those eyes,
locked in a forever gaze
my hands are trembling
you lean in
i feel your lips on my ear
you softly whisper
“relax, let the world
come to you”
i sigh and pull back
to look at your wonderful face
kissing you lightly
on the dimple made
by that amazing smile

— glb

if no one else

she is the one
if no one else,
she would be able
to bring you back

it has always been her,
from the very beginning
it was obvious,
she was special
and
if no one else,
she would be able
to bring you back

through everything
I have been through,
and
you have been through,

a word to know
you have been
paying attention,

in search of sunrise
to soothe a bad day away

if no one else,
she would be

— glb

a kiss on the cheek

hold me now and please
don’t let me go,
i’ve come a long way
this day and all
i want is sleep

but, your eyes are bright
and inquisitive
so i will stay up,
we can talk for a while

put you hand in mine
feel it tremble with our
fingers entwined

i am not as i once was
i am not as expected,
i am as i fully am,
there’s nothing to
hide from you,
i couldn’t do it
if i tried

i have had days
confusing days
that i barely emerged from

i mean to tell you
about them,
explain them to you
from my perspective

my hope is that
in telling you my tale,
you will know something
more about me

if i am successful
you will know where
i come from,
the fires that made me,
and the demons that
still haunt me

give me a kiss
on my cheek
when you are ready
to begin

— glb

doomed to repeat it

I reach out to the light and the dark of you
prepared for any combination of both
you bring me flowers and dirt
screaming and whispering your devotion to me
I lap at the compliments
drawing strength from anything you care to leave for me
bones and seeds
from your past planting the future
words cry out I will end you so you can start anew
in the corner I lay spent as the light from the dawn creeps in
finding a beaten pulp eager for the switch again
it brings feeling where it has not been for endless time
I sway to your calling hoping you will raise your hand to me
and bring me home with you, where I truly belong

— GLB

My Path

When I came home from the hospital after the psychotic break, as much as I was freaked out about it, I was just as much business as usual. It was a matter of “How do I get on with my life?” I was ready and willing to jump back into the fray, as it were. I just wasn’t able. At least my job wasn’t sure I was ready to be back and they weren’t talking to me about the reasons why. That should have been a clue to me. There were clearly pieces missing, some very obvious actions that I took that were “inappropriate.” Enough to keep me from the office. Perhaps I should have been admitted to the psychiatric hospital right then and there. My psychiatrist was responsible for keeping me out. He didn’t “have rights” there and it would have greatly hampered his access to me if I had gone in and started getting the help that I really needed. The next few months were an exercise in futility. I was front row to an example of “what is the wrong way to treat your patient.” In addition to the stellar treatment I received from him he brought in a therapist to help me along. On first meeting with this therapist he told me that I “just needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get back in the game.” He also came over to me, sniffed, and said “you don’t smell crazy.” So, my psychiatrist didn’t make a change to my treatment only to add a therapist who, well, was a quack. Luckily, I finally found a treatment team that actually helped me. When I added the ECT team at the psych hospital I had a group of doctors and therapists that had my best interest in mind. Still, until the time I suggested and then made the decision to start ECT treatments, I didn’t think there was really anything wrong with me. I wanted, I needed to go back to work. Work was what I lived for. The fact that I had been away from it for so long was wearing on me. The fact that no one has talked about what put me into the situation still gets to me. While it makes little difference now, I would at least like to know what I did to cause my company to keep me away. I have gotten on with my life, I’d like to have that piece of information so I can put this part behind me. I am still business as usual, only the business has changed. I just try to do whatever is best for me. Whatever makes me better.