the completed playlist

i am feeling like the emptiness
of a completed playlist…

the realization that
nothing is coming next,
the silence pervades
and instead of choosing something
else to listen to,
i just sit and pay attention
to the vacancy,
ignoring the force inside me
wanting to immediately
start something up,
to fill the void,
instead, i listen to my heart,
to my breathing,
to my weight in this world,
instead, i notice everything else
and i find contentment
in my inaction,
because, though i haven’t
physically moved,
mountains have traveled
within me

glb /// “the completed playlist”
originally published 01.14.2019

if only…

i wage a silent internal battle
there is so much more
pulling me down on the inside
than there has ever been out there
though my exterior demons
always take the blame

when my face is screwed up
and i cannot speak
through the sobs i am
throwing at the night

when i believe everything
is coming to a
savage, bleeding end

i lie to a perfect stranger
to prove to myself
that i have some control
over something
if only for a fleeting moment

it is the same lie i tell myself
time and time and
time again
everything is going to be fine
if only…

glb /// “if only…”
going-sideways.com original

an encounter #001

cicadas in the
oppressive night
there’s more water
on the outside of my
glass than in it
i couldn’t move
even if there was
a reason

there you come
strutitn’ up the walk
face glistening
in the porch light
half a six pack
dangling from one hand
and an open can
in the other

up the steps
and sitting in my lap
i can feel the heat
spilling from you
you hold the can
up to my forehead
and I feel like I
could die right there

when you lean in and
kiss me
the smell of jasmine
and the taste of honey
nearly finishes me off

glb /// “”an encounter #001”
originally published 08/29/2018

trying is tiring

trying is tiring,
hoping my broken
mind can reach out
and pull the rest of me
out of this comfortable bed

to brick up
every unfortunate thing
i can remember
taking place in my life

if i cannot see it
it never happened

i rue the day
that i learned
the past can’t be changed

i continue to wish
it wasn’t so,

trying is tiring

glb /// “trying is tiring”
originally published 06/16/2014

so few words after such a long time

so few words after such a long time
my closest confidant
my brother in
bubble
bubble… you know the rest
road trips and roller-coasters
hot sweaty nights
dropping heavy beats
grabbing at the base of our skulls
we both wanted
and so did she
both
that did not split us
but pulled our beings tighter
we three making promises
with every good intention

time sped up
compressing our souls
torn apart and decimated

silence slowly eroded
like water over stone
after a millineum
we are scatterd
by a harsh wind,
quiet words whispered
into the hot velvet night

your words…… words
wander in
so matter-of-fact
as if you belong here
as if I had kept a space here

after-all we were inseparable

when I come to the edge
of the ravine you once
inhabited
i am disgusted by my choices,
do I fill it in
and run away
leaving that spot for
something else
or
dive headlong into
the abyss
that was created
by two complicated men
with a simple love
for one woman

glb /// “so few words after such a long time”
originally published 01/06/2016

do i want…

i don’t want to love you
“more than you will ever know” or
“beyond your wildest dreams”
i want you to dream it and wake up
and know that it is true

you see,

with you there is no other
“i don’t want”

because ever since that day
you turned to look back at me

man! do i want…

i want to be under an umbrella
at a little café in mons
and watch as the sun replaces
the shadows on your cheek

i want to listen intently
to every word you speak
as if i know i am going deaf
and i want your voice to be
the last sound i hear

i want to get embarrassed together
about something only we know
because the waitress mentioned the
deserts included baklava and cherries jubilee

i want to have a breathless flashback
every time i hear nine inch nails
and imagine you dancing naked
on the foot of the bed

with you there is no
“i don’t want”

because ever since that day
you smiled at me

damn! do i want…

i want to write an opera
about that spot at the
nape of your neck
and how i would spend the rest
of my days there if i could

i want to wake before dawn
and carry you
wrapped in a blanket
to the front porch so we can
watch the dew settle

i want to take your hand in mine
at the age of 95
and recall fondly
the woman that you were
and be thankful for the woman you are

i want to sit in the dark
experiencing that “comfortable silence”
knowing we don’t have to fill
the soundless void
just to be at ease with each other

with you there is no
“i don’t want”

because ever since that day
you became part of my life

god! do i want…

i want to learn the words
to every single one of
your favorite songs
so we can harmonize
in the shower

i want to be lost in the middle of nowhere
for days
and when they find me
i will refuse all food and drink
until i can be with you

i want to be the reason for
the sinfully sexy smirk on your face
the subject of
the remembering roll of your eyes

i don’t want to love you
“more than you will ever know” or
“beyond your wildest dreams”

i want you to dream it and wake up
and know that it is true

because with you there is no
“i don’t want”

and ever since that day
you stopped me in my tracks
i can’t help but want, and want, and want…

glb /// “do i want…”
going-sideways.com original