Things Fail

It is horrific
To have things fail
In part, or completely,
What’s worse…
Experiencing it
While it is happening
Knowing it is happening
And not being able to
Do a thing about it

But that is not all

Then comes the shame
Then comes the regret
Then comes the embarrassment
Then comes the wondering
Looking them in the face
Did you see me?
Did you catch that SLIP?

Have I been discovered?

— GLB

Survive

When the copper stops buzzing in your brain
And the sweat pours down your neck
I will be there to hold you when the spasm begins

The application of pain is the measure
Tolerance raises the bar for the next
It’s hard to tell where the victory lies
The strange attractors have done their damage

Down deep, enveloped in gloom
Cast by the only bulb in the cavernous hall
You prepare to put on your show,
Daring to expose all in attendance
As patrons of the darkest art of all

You mime kindness
Whisper intimacy
Talk of hope
Shriek out love

The cacophony deafens
Voices drawn tight
Refusing to admit
That the one thing they have in common…
(Humanity)
Is the hardest thing
To achieve

— GLB

4368

I was alive there
But I didn’t live there
It lived in me
Tied itself to ideas I had
Of how my life was going to be
Dug into my hopes
Until realities were
Indistinguishable
Mine were mostly true
Mine were completely false
Out on that street
That night
Truth and fiction became one
I lost myself
In the smoke and mirrors
I found myself living there
But I was not alive there

— GLB

Minus Lithium

Ah-ha!!!  I didn’t take my morning dose of Lithium.  I thought something was a bit off.  Actually, it shouldn’t have had that much of an effect.  I take 900 mg a day and the morning dose is 300 mg.  I don’t think that’s the culprit.  I think the problem probably lies in a cycle of level and low.  I don’t often have highs so it’s not highs and lows.  The thing is, I never know when the cycle is going to start or end.  Luckily the lows aren’t that low.  It’s not like it was a year ago.  Lithium has had a major influence over that.  My mood is as stable as it has been in quite some time.  But now I’m rambling and should probably take my night time pills and call it a night.

Here’s a couple of haiku to finish off the night:

why do pelicans
fly in formation like that
swooping over dunes

yawns provoking yawns
one person in a crowded
room starts then more yawns

A Good Day

Today I had meetings with my psych-doc and my therapist, BACK-TO-BACK, IN THE SAME DAY.  This is the first time it has happened since I moved to NC.  I usually end up missing one appointment by a week.  The other thing that is so great about seeing them both on the same day is that it is a 45-55 minute drive.  As I’ve said in previous posts, car time for me is KING.  But if I can consolidate appointments like I did today…. all right, I’ve gone on enough about that.

The appointment with the psych-doc went very well.  It was the first time I had seen him in 6 weeks and during that time I had a couple of hypo-manic episodes.  He was not alarmed, the duration wasn’t very long (48 hours or so) and they were “self-adjusting”.  Since it had been a year and a half or so since I had had one, he wasn’t concerned at all.  If they start happening more frequently, he said we word start medicating for them.  He took a look at my lab work and said that everything was good.  Since I’ve been (for the most part) level for 6-7 months he didn’t think we needed to meet again until late January.  That’s 12 weeks ………………. 3 months away.  I guess I’m doing better than I thought, at least in his eyes.  We’ll see how the holidays treat me.  My holiday season last year was not the best.  As I’ve mentioned before, I was starting Lithium and attempting to start Lamictal.  I had bad side effects and withdrawal effects with Lamictal so Christmas and the surrounding weeks were not that great.

Now, I have no medication changes and I will be able to spend time with my sister and her family without the issues I was having last year.

YAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

My trip today also included stops at a couple of grocery stores, Bed, Bath and Beyond (Coffee for the Keurig) and COSTCO.  There was a beautiful sunset on the way home and now it’s time to scrounge up some dinner.

What a good day!

One

“you mean we actually are all one” — Alanis

If we are one…

Why don’t
You fall
When I stumble

Why don’t
You bleed
When I cut

Why don’t
You cry
When I’m sad

Why do
You cringe
When I’m boisterous

Why don’t
You soar
When I’m high

Why don’t
You go to jail
When I get arrested

Why don’t
You spend time in that room
When they can’t find another way

Why don’t
Your hands get the tremors
At random times during the day

Why don’t
You always find me
No matter where I am

If we are one…

Why don’t
I enjoy the quiet
That helps you read

Why don’t
I listen to the love songs
That bring tears to your eyes

Why don’t
I make any new friends
When you’ve got one every week

Why don’t
I hold down a job
You get promoted all the time

Why don’t
I take my medication
When you don’t take any at all

If we are one…

Why aren’t we together more often?
Is it because I stress you out?
Is it all the talk about love and forever?
Does that stuff make it hard for you to be my best friend?

Why do you stop me from going on rooftops?
Do you think I don’t know I can’t fly?
Don’t you know it’s a trick to see how far I can go?
Why do you cover your eyes?

Why aren’t you down here with me?
Are you afraid of the dark?
Do you imagine something down here will hurt you?
Why would I let that happen?

If we are one…

You should be everything I am
And I should be everything you are
If we can’t be one together
What’s the point of this whole thing?

— GB