and

and, the things that were real
don’t seem so much lately
and, when I question that,
I question myself
and, those questions
don’t have answers
I want to hear

and, it all leaves me
laying on the floor
or
motionless on the couch
watching the flame
on the candle flicker

and
recognizing the random
decisionless little fire
and
seeing its twin in my soul
I snuff it out
and
breathe in the smoke,
inhaling the tiny death
knowing the flame
will never be the
same again

–glb

and i wait

i put myself into my own hands
i try to lift me up
above the miasma
and can only gather enough
strength to drag myself
through the stench

all the words say
“the only way out is through”
so i bear the rubbish and rust,
ask when it’s going to be my turn,
and count on the constant answer,
“you’re next, just hold on”
and i wait, i wait, wiat, wait
next never comes

i persevere
in love with my odds…

every single person that never tried,
didn’t succeed,
that one isn’t me
“am i next? is it going to be me?”
“yes son, you’re next, just hold on”

and i wait, i wait, wait, w-a-i-t

–glb

untitled 020619 a

I can’t seem to get out
of my own way,
a step forward falls victim
to double-talk,
triple belief that I will
make something of myself…

then I won’t

uncertainty pushes its
way through my mind
dragging doubt with it
fueling fear of failure

what’s the point
in even trying?

— glb

some words for me

i know it’s hard, your demons make it worse
i know you don’t want to get out of bed each morning
i know you just want to crawl back in if you get the chance
i know it hurts in your bones, in your soul
i know your heart hurts most of all…

i also know that, in a while, it won’t be as hard
if you keep that going, you’ll look forward to the day ahead and the bed won’t be as enticing
in a little while the hurt will just be a shadow,
your heart will heal more every time you are victorious over your demons
your thoughts will shift
your mind will crave less

it won’t ever go away, but
it won’t control you
it won’t be as hard

… glb

for everything

for everything
for everything seen and heard
for everything inside your head
for years on end
for pain, fright, delusions, and
bright shining pathways
for wanting to quit
for getting up one more time
no matter how many times that is
you can do it
you will
for you
for everything you are
you will

— GLB

17 Years

It has been 17 years
My God
I remember the anguish
It is still in my bones
During the last weeks
I came in off visiting hours
So we could have
Quiet time without interruption
I cherish those times
Lightly holding your hand
Gazing into your eyes
They would close when you took
  Your mini-naps
I recall how angry I was
  When you to told me your decision
You were a fighter for so long
How could you just give up…
But it wasn’t for me to understand
It was for me to accept
It is for me to tell people about you
  About the woman you were
  About how amazing you were
  About how brave you were
  About how you cared for me up to the end
Time goes by
I am always grateful that you
Were in my life
— GLB