if only…

i wage a silent internal battle
there is so much more
pulling me down on the inside
than there has ever been out there
though my exterior demons
always take the blame

when my face is screwed up
and i cannot speak
through the sobs i am
throwing at the night

when i believe everything
is coming to a
savage, bleeding end

i lie to a perfect stranger
to prove to myself
that i have some control
over something
if only for a fleeting moment

it is the same lie i tell myself
time and time and
time again
everything is going to be fine
if only…

glb /// “if only…”
going-sideways.com original

13 days

13 days to live or die

i chose the former,
the universe…
the latter

i do not know
the ferocity
of the fight,
only that it left
unbelievable
scars

it changed me
in ways i cannot
even begin to explain

for better
for worse
i am still here

for yes
for no
i answer your call
i answer your questions

i feel my longing
in the chasm of the night
until
the opaque gray morning
filters in
revealing your empty
side of the bed

i try not to react
to your endless absence,
dressing quickly
i slip into the
misty morning

i scribble your name
into the dew on my car
continually checking
over my shoulder
hoping you’ll catch me…

glb /// “13 days”
originally published 03/16/2019