if i can

i hold you angry at arms length
any closer would shatter my will
and any notion i am over you

if i can stand here and grit my teeth
at the very mention of your name
i can summon the will to crush
your memory under my heel

but that’s all in the muted light
of the night sky
wishing it held the brilliance
we did

that’s where the memory lives
close enough
and
far enough

glb /// “if i can”
originally published 01/05/2020

i am not broken

i am not broken…
but i was
and…
i was for a long time
and…
i grieve for all that time
wasted…
in pursuit of nothing
and
everything i was not prepared for,
everything i was not capable of achieving,
instead of fixing myself
i lied to myself
insisting i was whole…

it took a catastrophic event,
which i still don’t understand,
to bring fundamental change
to bring a healing wave,
where i found new things,
true things,
ways of being…

i am not broken…
but i was
and…
because
i have found a new way of living
i have found a new way of relating to the world
i have refused to go back there

glb /// “i am not broken”
originally published 03/16/2018

what i know now

what I know now
I have to love myself first
I can’t heal without it
I can’t expect it to come
only from someone else
I have to find it within myself
I have to be open and honest about
what I’m going through
I have the right to expect that
from others
It’s ok to be scared
it’s ok to be vulnerable
It’s ok to ask for help
It’s ok to stand up for myself
It’s ok to walk away if I need to
all of these are necessary
plus 101 million others

glb /// “what i know now”
originally published 03/28/2019

a glint of red

a glint of red moving across my mind,
want to chase it to see what it means,
but i don’t, my curiosity is strapped to
this rock of guilt and restraint, do you
remember what happened last time?

i am stuck in the muck that i exude,
it keeps me here, where i am safe
from things that only i can see or hear

you in your red coat stop by from time
to time, you tell me how busy your life is
without asking about mine, with the assumption
that it is an excuse for why i don’t see you
that often and that my silence is an
endorsement of how small my life is

glb /// “a glint of red”
going-sideways.com original

things fail

it is horrific
to have things fail
in part, or completely,
what’s worse…
experiencing it
while it is happening
knowing it is happening
and not being able to
do a thing about it

but that is not all

then comes the shame
then comes the regret
then comes the embarrassment
then comes the wondering
looking them in the face
did you see me?
did you catch that slip?

have i been discovered?

glb /// “things fail”
originally published 03/28.2018

if only…

i wage a silent internal battle
there is so much more
pulling me down on the inside
than there has ever been out there
though my exterior demons
always take the blame

when my face is screwed up
and i cannot speak
through the sobs i am
throwing at the night

when i believe everything
is coming to a
savage, bleeding end

i lie to a perfect stranger
to prove to myself
that i have some control
over something
if only for a fleeting moment

it is the same lie i tell myself
time and time and
time again
everything is going to be fine
if only…

glb /// “if only…”
going-sideways.com original

trying is tiring

trying is tiring,
hoping my broken
mind can reach out
and pull the rest of me
out of this comfortable bed

to brick up
every unfortunate thing
i can remember
taking place in my life

if i cannot see it
it never happened

i rue the day
that i learned
the past can’t be changed

i continue to wish
it wasn’t so,

trying is tiring

glb /// “trying is tiring”
originally published 06/16/2014

it happened

it has to have happened
one time
someone believed
the story i was telling
someone picked me up
looked into my eyes
and saw that
i was still there

it has to have happened
one time
someone saw past
the gibberish
i was speaking
to an empty chair
and put their arms
around me
so i wouldn’t have to
go through it alone

it has to have happened
one time
i sat and stared
out the window
trying to convince myself
that i had
a place in this world
and someone
encouraged me
to take inventory
of my life
to look at everything
that is inside
to be proud
of who i am

it has to have happened
one time
you took a chance
on loving me
wholly
giving me
a place to rest
something to count on
the ability
to be free

it has happened
over and over again
i fall asleep
and wake up
knowing that
you are with me
holding my hand
a kiss on my cheek
smiling with me
feeling more love
than ever before

glb /// “it happened”
originally published 09/13/2017

untitled #512

i carry a lot around
with me
more than i need to
a hell of a lot
more than i should

i want it all to be
right at the surface
where it can be accessed
without any
rummaging around
without the chance of
missing the moment

constantly ready for
something to happen
but
it rarely does
still
i carry my load around
with me
the weight of it
pulling me down
dulling my senses

until i could no more
jump at a chance
than i could
win a marathon

i sit and i
look at where i am
and i simply ask
why?

glb /// “untitled #512”
originally published 05/29/2015