that time

an ostrich, with my head in the sand
terrified and shaking
“what if they find out…”
“what if anyone finds out…”
it’s not as if i hadn’t made it known
at least a few times,
it’s not as if i made it
a great big secret,
anyone can look if they want to,
anyone can poison
the waters against me

laid open and exposed
i suffer tiny deaths
any time i encounter someone
for the first time,
“what do they know?”
“how do they know?”
“can they just see it in me?”

i am terrified to turn that corner,
pull out that chair, open that door
“is this going to be that time?”
i don’t want to find myself
cowering in the corner
sobbing uncontrollably
because this one little “secret”
has been used against me

— glb

when i want to quit

when i want to quit
i sit
i imagine
taking your face in my hands
and staring into those eyes,
locked in a forever gaze
my hands are trembling
you lean in
i feel your lips on my ear
you softly whisper
“relax, let the world
come to you”
i sigh and pull back
to look at your wonderful face
kissing you lightly
on the dimple made
by that amazing smile

— glb

if no one else

she is the one
if no one else,
she would be able
to bring you back

it has always been her,
from the very beginning
it was obvious,
she was special
and
if no one else,
she would be able
to bring you back

through everything
I have been through,
and
you have been through,

a word to know
you have been
paying attention,

in search of sunrise
to soothe a bad day away

if no one else,
she would be

— glb

from an old dark place

pounded into the carpet
sobbing and cringing
i can’t breathe
this is where
i come apart
i am disintegrating
i can’t utter a sound
this is where
i lose everything
i am going away
for a very long time

— glb

what i know now

what I know now
I have to love myself first
I can’t heal without it
I can’t expect it to come
only from someone else
I have to find it within myself
I have to be open and honest about
what I’m going through
I have the right to expect that
from others
It’s ok to be scared
it’s ok to be vulnerable
It’s ok to ask for help
It’s ok to stand up for myself
It’s ok to walk away if I need to
all of these are necessary
plus 101 million others

— glb

a kiss on the cheek

hold me now and please
don’t let me go,
i’ve come a long way
this day and all
i want is sleep

but, your eyes are bright
and inquisitive
so i will stay up,
we can talk for a while

put you hand in mine
feel it tremble with our
fingers entwined

i am not as i once was
i am not as expected,
i am as i fully am,
there’s nothing to
hide from you,
i couldn’t do it
if i tried

i have had days
confusing days
that i barely emerged from

i mean to tell you
about them,
explain them to you
from my perspective

my hope is that
in telling you my tale,
you will know something
more about me

if i am successful
you will know where
i come from,
the fires that made me,
and the demons that
still haunt me

give me a kiss
on my cheek
when you are ready
to begin

— glb

some words for me

i know it’s hard, your demons make it worse
i know you don’t want to get out of bed each morning
i know you just want to crawl back in if you get the chance
i know it hurts in your bones, in your soul
i know your heart hurts most of all…

i also know that, in a while, it won’t be as hard
if you keep that going, you’ll look forward to the day ahead and the bed won’t be as enticing
in a little while the hurt will just be a shadow,
your heart will heal more every time you are victorious over your demons
your thoughts will shift
your mind will crave less

it won’t ever go away, but
it won’t control you
it won’t be as hard

… glb