hate-filled eyes

the feelings were
the dark blue
of the night
and black like blood
from a gaping
wound, horror
spilled like a
waterfall onto
faces below,
expecting peace
and getting so
much less

hate-filled eyes
level a stare
on your heart,
aiming to tear
it from your
chest if you so
much as talk
about what happens
in there, where
matters stay
and get carried
around for life


Thank You!

In regard to my previous post:

I am remiss in giving myself sole credit for my success. I would not have been able to realize this triumph without the loving support of my family. They help me get past the really hard times, with school and otherwise. I would not be where I am if it wasn’t for you.

Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!

I am Proud of Myself

Twenty years ago (minus 7 months or so) I graduated from college. Since then, I had not so much as stepped a foot in a college classroom, until last August. I have made some big decisions in my life, we all have. But this one was quite different. This one involved going beyond any place I had been in the previous five years. It started with going to a NAMI Connections meeting once a week; initially a good way to get out and meet people that are in the same situation. Going back to school seemed like a logical next step on my way back to a normal life. That was until school actually started and I was thrown into classes that lasted all day and into the night. There were more people there than I was prepared for, people were everywhere. There I was, out in the open, by myself with nowhere to take cover. But that’s what I was shooting for. Wasn’t it? This was my way of proving to myself that I was progressing. This was my way of proving to those around me that I was able to take care of myself, at least a little bit.

I had no idea how hard it was going to be. My first few weeks were terrifying, at least on the inside. I was putting on a pretty good show on the outside. After that the outside started to match the inside. I was having a particularly hard time with two of my classes and I was seriously considering dropping out. It was starting to become impossible to keep up appearances. I muddled through and I started to figure things out. I started to understand how to keep up with the work that I needed to do for each class to make sure deadlines were met and not just met but with the best effort I could. As the time went on, the craziness of the first few weeks settled down to a low rumble in the background. I spent a lot of time, away from school, with my head buried in a book or working away on the computer. It never stopped. There were five classes pushing me in one direction or pulling me in another. If there was a weakness at the beginning of the semester, there was a strength at the end.

All that hard work paid off and I am stronger and more sure of myself than I have been in over five years. In just a few short weeks, I’ll go back for my second round. I’ve set the bar pretty high, but then this is how I want it to go.
I’m in charge.
I’m in control.
I am proud of myself.