I’ve spent my day trying to find a song that adequately describes the days I’ve been having.  I have a lot of music and I’ve gone through Pop, Funk, Punk, Rock, Country, Metal, Reggae, Classical, Trance, Chill-Out, GOA, House, there are even more choices but that list could go on for a while.  I have the time but I wouldn’t want to bore anyone.  I guess my point is that I’m not coming up with anything and that is an oddity because I always have at least one song clattering around inside my head.  As scattered as my mind has been over the past week,  it’s no wonder I can’t get anything to stick.  Still, I feel the need to have some type of soundtrack going to accompany me on my journey.

I just had a pretty concrete thought.  For the past couple of years I haven’t been very good with uncertainty.  I like to know what’s happening and I like to have things I can count on.  My life doesn’t necessarily need to be routine, but I need to know that if something goes wrong I’ll be able to work the contingency plan I have in place.  Here’s the thought, my psych-doc is going on travel for the next five weeks and he’s a big part of my plan.  Now, I’m to the point that I only see him every three months so five weeks isn’t a big deal as far as routine treatment is concerned.  The problem is what happens if I should have a problem.  As much as I would like to avoid ECT, I have shown that I respond well to it.  It has pulled me out of psychotic episodes twice.  My doc is the only one for at least 120 miles that performs ECT treatments.

So, what I need to do is just live as I have learned to live;  take my medications, see my therapist, go to the NAMI Peer Support Meetings.  And remember to breathe…

Don’t force it, the song will come when it’s time.

What song

What song do I have to listen to
To get you out of my head
Your tastes were so varied
I hear you singing to
My entire collection
Was that another one of your tricks
To lull me into that
Soft, satisfied, security
So you could bring me down
Piece by piece
Without my ever noticing
What song were you singing
While you were playing
Your game on me

— GB

wings on fire

when you walked in with your wings on fire
all the air went out of the room
you seemed so relevant in your hot blue flames
no one could protest your presence

the meaning you thought you brought
with your flourishes and flair
was devoid of significance

I was in awe of you then, when we first met,
you held my attention as easily as my hand,
but then you took it and cracked it and
smashed it and now it isn’t there
for anyone else

I lay broken and gasping for the permanence
you offered, then promised, then dangled
like a prize, without a trick to be performed,
you knew I would have done anything, just
as well as you knew you were going to do nothing

— GB