What If?

bpnurse started me thinking with her recent post Stinkin’ Thinkin’

I’ve only had my official Bipolar diagnosis for a short period of time and I already accept the fact that nothing is permanent when it comes to how Bipolar affects me.  I think maybe that knowledge drives me a little crazy some times.  It makes me vigilant, to a fault.  I track everything.  There’s no playing fast and loose with meds, sleep, meals, etc.  As much as I talk about going out and experiencing life, my big excursions amount to a trip to my NAMI Support Group once a week, my therapy appointment every other week and well, that’s about it.  I make those things sound like big deals because that is what they are to me.  Could I handle doing more than that?  I don’t know.  Today, my Mom asked me to come up with a list of places I’d like to visit if we should drive to California in June for a family reunion.  My first reaction (which I didn’t voice) was that I didn’t think I was interested in going.  That’s when I decided to give this thing, my ease with which I could approach something like a trip across country, a harder look.  It really doesn’t make any sense.  We drove from California to here back in May of 2012.  I’m a lot further along today than I was then.  So what is different now?  I think it comes down to what I was talking about before.  I’m hyper-vigilant.  What would happen if I had an episode while we were out on the road?  Where would I find treatment?  It should not happen, I know, I’ve been pretty level for a long time.  But what if?

5 thoughts on “What If?

  1. I know what you mean about the “what if’s”. I’ve lived by them all my life, especially since I learned that I have bipolar disorder. And you know what? It’s time to tell the “what if’s” to shove it. You were given this life for a reason…..live it! 🙂

  2. You know, this is only the fourth time I’ve taken this sort of leap of faith in my 55 years. The first one was getting married, the second was going to nursing school, and the third was getting help for my mental illness. Sometimes you just have to take a big gulp of air, hold your nose, and jump in…..you’ll know when it’s time to do that.

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